Ain't Too Proud To Beg.

Today I realized I really need to get healthy.


Also; who would have known your jaw gets exercise from scuba?


This is such a pointless blog entry. Did I mention school's out? .. (for summa) as Alice Cooper would say. I'm officially a junior. It seems I should be older, but I'm not.



Hopefully bowling will be fun tomorrow. Cross your fingers.

No Transitory.

I love thunderstorms.

I hate being sick. It completely ruined my weekend. I got to go out on the boat once, but then I got sick again. YAY! I feel like death. Literally.

Tomorrow is going to be terrible. Kill me please.

The World I Know.

I kind of realized something today: I think I really like him. It's just really weird; it's been like this for a year now. I don't really know what to do. This whole situation is just.. really complex. Well, to me at least. I think too many people are catching on... I hope he hasn't.


No matter what happens though, I will always have that one person in my heart. I just wish I could have an eraser, ya know? It would make life so much easier. Then again, who said life would be easy? I just want to be over long lost feelings. It was a year ago next Friday. A year. It's the past, but I'm still not over him. People are completely wrong; it does not take time.


When will the madness ever stop?

Faust Arp.

Don't you hate those days where you express every emotion you could ever imagine? Today has been beyond one of those days. I hate mixed emotions. I did swim to release some of the negative feelings I have right now. I think it helped; I hope it helped.


I have worked my butt off to get this benefit show together to raise money for our mission trip to Honduras. It's kind of annoying how no one did anything before our small group leader complained about it-- but now that they're actually attempting to help, they completely ruin everything. I seriously and honestly do NOT want all of the credit, I am only doing God's will, but I can't help but pointing out that me and one or two other people are doing EVERYTHING. Their doing nothing is only reflecting what will happen on the trip. They're not taking this seriously at all and it really bothers me. And also, don't get me wrong here, but the show was MY idea. I got all the bands together; I've been working on this whole thing for about 4 weeks now. You do not need to jump in because I asked you to do one or two things and take credit for EVERYTHING. Please don't take this rant the wrong way. I am not trying to be selfish whatsoever, so I am sorry if I'm coming off that way.

It also bothers me because it feels like no one will come to the show. We need a lot of money. Every house we build costs about $1,000, so depending on how much money we raise, is how many houses we will build. Maybe I'm just paranoid. I don't know. I think I just need to have faith and hope, but I also need reassurance.



Summer 2008:
May 22-May 26 = Heber Springs, Arkansas for Memorial Day!
May 27-May 28 = 3 exams then it's over!
May 29-May 31 = Italian Festival.
May 30 = Honduras Benefit Show @ Higher Ground.
June 28-July 09 = Honduras Mission Trip.
July 12-July 21 = LeadAmerica Journalism Conference in NYC.
July 17 = Sweet Sixteen.
July 21-July 23 = Sister time in NYC; going to see RENT on Broadway before it closes!
July 28?-August 2? = Bahamas for our 3 open water dives.

My summer is jam-packed. I'm very excited. :)
(One full day of school left. Hooray!)

Sick, Sick, Sick.

Question: Is there anyway to subscribe to people's blogs?



I'm thinking about going swimming. I'm not really sure yet, though.
There's nothing to do, really. Hmm...

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape.

July 4. A day I will sadly miss. Yet again, my (second) favourite band decides to pop into Memphis the day I will be gone. I love it. Not really. Seriously, tears came into my eyes when I read it. I know, right-- how pathetic. I don't care. They're half of my life. It's pretty sad but yet, so true. I will miss them greatly. Someone please go and soak up the righteousness and send me some in a bottle. Why does this always happen? I mean really.

On the otherhand, only three more days of school. Bleh.

All Around Me.

I've been working really hard on this benefit show for my Honduras Mission Trip. Not to point out anyone, but I have definitely been working harder than others. I'm not really sure how all this will finally turn out. Hopefully it will be all right.

I was listening to Flyleaf on repeat Thursday and the song 'Cassie' came on. Josh had told me before that Lacey had written it about the Columbine shooting--but mostly about Cassie Bernall and Rachel Scott dying for what they believed in. For some reason, the lyrics just really spoke to me that day and so I decided to look up videos and information about the shooting because I've never really known too much about it. The things I saw were beyond disturbing. They just kind of ate me alive. It made me think a lot. If I were asked if I believed in God or not in a life or death situation, would I say yes? Or am I really that selfish to say no just not save my own life? They were beyond selfless and it makes me so angry and upset knowing that those two boys killed innocent people for who they were. I know there have been multiple instances like this in history, but for some reason, this all just really got to me. It really opened up my eyes. Life is just really confusing. I believe there are too many questions left unanswered to understand mostly anything. I just hope I can work at becoming like Cassie and Rachel--gain the selflessness they had. I will remember them forever.

I think I've been over-analyzing things too much lately. Then again, that's just who I am.


'Cassie' by Flyleaf.
The question asked in order
To save her life or take it
The answer no to avoid death
The answer yes would make it
Make it
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
Say yes to pull the trigger
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
And Cassie pulled the trigger
All heads are bowed in silence
To remember her last sentence
She answered him knowing what would happen
Her last words still hanging in the airIn the air
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
Say yes to pull the trigger
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
And Rachel pulled the trigger
How many will die I will die I, I will say yes
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
Say yes to pull the trigger
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
And Cassie pulled the trigger(Do you believe)
Do you believe in God (Do you believe)
Do you believe in God (Do you believe)
Do you believe in God
And I will pull the trigger

Love Me Dead.

My dad and I went to the Dive Shop and bought all of our diving gear today. Ick, I hate wet suits; they feel horrible. Our lessons will be in June before I leave for Honduras. It will be really easy since I've already dove three times; it's just to get our official certification. I'm rather excited. I can dive in my own pool! Hahaha.

My sister comes home Wednesday. It's going to suck beyond belief. Not that I dislike her (that much), but I like being the only child. It's much more laid back and I get a whole lot more alone time with her gone. This summer is going to be weird, but I'll be gone a lot so that will help.

I also bought two new books and Tegan & Sara's CD today. I seriously have a whole stack of books I've bought and not had any time to read. That's what bothers me so much about school. They give us these lame classic books that are way past our time to even understand. The thing with required reading, for me at least, is that even though I literally sit there and read the whole book and still make terrible grades on the tests. I think it's because I'm being forced to read something I have no interest in whatsoever. I also think it's because most of the authors they choose are not that great of writers. Honestly, I'd rather read Beverly Cleary books than Charles Dickens. I love reading, just not that books they give us. Anyways, back to the CD-- it's so much more than amazing. It's very different and the lyrics are beautiful.

Did I mention tomorrow is yearbook assembly?!! One of the best days of the whole entire year. I love this day.

Bleh, I'm really procrastinating. I need to do the loads of homework I have, that I never ever do.

Never Let This Go.

Maybe if my heart stops beating,
It won't hurt this much,
And never will I have to answer again to anyone.
Please don't get me wrong,
Because I'll never let this go,
But I can't find the words to tell you,
I don't want to be alone.
But now I feel like I don't know you.
One day you'll get sick of saying that everything's alright,
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending,
Just like I am tonight.
Please don't get me wrong,
Because I'll never let this go,
But I can't find the words to tell you,
I don't want to be alone.
But now I feel like I don't know you,
Let this go, let this go,
But I'll never let this go.
But I can't find the words to tell you,
I don't want to be alone,
But now I feel like I don't know you.
And I'll never let this go.
But I can't find the words to tell you,
That now I feel like I don't know you.



That's basically how I feel right now. I love when lyrics capture my mood. I wish I had a time machine. Then again, that would probably make matters worse. I'm so unsure of everything.

Music Fest.

This weekend has been so crazy! Friday night was the first night of music fest. It rained really hard but it added more fun. I saw Flyleaf, which was absolutely amazing, Hellogoodbye, which kind of made me sad (only one person knows why), and we left before My Chemical Romance because everyone was getting delayed and it was time to go anyways. I missed Ben Folds which kind of sucks. :( Oh well, it was fun anwyays because of the people I was with.

Saturday we saw Tegan and Sara, they were great. We left after them and went to Beale and the Peabody and ate at Blues City Cafe, one of my favourite places. We people watched for a while. Then came back and met up with Josh, Justin, Jeremy, Ashley, Dema, Alyssa and her boyfriend, and Brooke. Seether was almost over, they were AWESOME, and then we pushed our way up to the front as much as possible for Disturbed. Justin was right, they do put on a great show. Haha. Then we all piled into Justin and Josh's mom's car and we dropped Dema, Alyssa and her boyfriend off at school and then Hannah, me, Justin, Josh, their little brother Dylan, and their mom went to Waffle House! Best night ever, seriously. We didn't get home until 3:15. It was ah-mazing. Haha.

Sunday we went to the zoo for a few hours cause Hannah's stepdad's family were in town and they all hung out and me and Hannah did our own thing. That was fun but it made me really tired. Then we went to music fest for the last day. We came during Umphrey's McGee, which is now Justin's favourite band. Hahhaaa. We walked around and chilled for a while until Finger Eleven. They were kind of boring until they played Paralyzer and everyone freaked out. People literally started throwing every single drink they had and it was hitting people, it was actually really funny cause the police freaked out. Then they kind of played like 4 different sings during Paralyzer and then finished the last verse which was pretty cool. Then I pratically sprinted all the way to the Budweiser stage to see THE BLACK CROWES, whom I was waiting to see all freaking weekend! I got really into it and it was great until they played Remedy, which is a great song, and then Chris said goodnight and thank you. Every single person just stood there because we seriously thought they were going to come back out and sing She Talks To Angels....but they didn't. I was so upset.

Not to mention a lot of other things I realized this weekend. It was all really weird, too. I'm not going to even go there. I'll just say it kind of hit me in the face. It hurt.

Soul Kitchen.

It's been a while since I've had an online blog. It feels nice to be able to write again.

These two weeks have literally been so up and down it's scary. My parent's don't come back until Sunday. I must admit, it really sucks not having them around. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. Haha. This weekend will be amazing, though. I'm staying at Hannah's and we're going to Music Fest because it's our tradition. Honestly, the line up is not spectacular this year but, it's about going and having a good time. I cannot wait. I'm still debating whether or not I should take my camera. It will be such a hassel but then again, I could get some once in a lifetime pictures. I just have no idea. Last year was sort of really chaotic. I'm so back and forth. Ergh.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. This week has been the longest ever. I need a huge break.
I still have yet to start on my English project. I'm doomed.